What could’ve been missing

Day by day and now, month by month are passing by.
I thought I can forget you easily, but I have to try harder.
You don’t need to spend everyday to fall in love with someone,
Just one specific moment, simple things,
Someone could linger in your memory forever.

Sometimes, something you have been denying very hard become something that will be fractured your heart so much, become something you can never forget.

This one, comes into my everyday life.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I’m missing your existence.
But, I’m always questioning myself.
Is this true that I’m missing you?

No, I’m missing the existence of someone I created on my own head.

Self Thought 101

‘You think you know someone, in fact you don’t’

I’ve been stranded by this thought lately. I’ve been thinking that I knew my peeps, but in fact I don’t know them that much. I also think that they will share the same story with me, as I share mine to them.

I’ve been realizing that they were like a book. Once they open up about something, they only show the certain pages from the whole book, and we pretend to understand the whole pages :)

The Point of Retreat

This day, a week ago, something we have been prepared is finally coming. Honestly, if something happen I don’t know what should I do. Last week has been the longest week, the most exhausting week, but we have to cope up with the situation. Everyone I called before messaged me, as I knew everything, as if they weren’t prepared for this.

I need to get anything done within 3 days, handover, drafting emails. It’s not easy, for everyone. Even the one who have the best preparation.

The hardest part is not saying goodbye, but letting it go...
It’s just the matter of time.

Untitled

I'm hardly falling into someone until I write something about that person, so here it is...

Dear someone,

I've been thinking about you this whole time. I thought I can make up my mind to not fall into you and I can only see you as a friend. I've been writing anything about how I feel this whole time, hoping that I can get over this feeling and I can forget you. But the more I try, the more it becomes hard.

I am hating myself.
I am trying to deny my own feelings back then.
I am feeling bad for falling into someone I thought I couldn't reach.
I am hating this feeling because I feel like I need to compete,
I hate myself more when I found myself being too competitive.
I wanna win, but the truth is, I just get another loss.

Thus, I'm trying hard to deny my own feelings that I didn't like you. I hate being too competitive with that other girl because I know I'll never be the one from the first place :)
Okay, I tried my best to remind myself that we can never be more than a friend.

So here I am, trying to embrace my own feelings. I thought that it is all wrong, knowing that someone you like wouldn't like you back. No, I'm not gonna do that anymore.
The truth is, I like you, and I'm fully controlling my own feeling.
I'll stop when I'd like to stop.
Repeat, I'll stop when I'd like to stop.
But, in the meantime, in the process to get over it, I admit that like you and thinking about you every single day. You know what, I even got our photo hanging on the wall.

I like you but maybe tomorrow won't be.
I just don't know, when I'll stop.
Last but not least, for anything you are feeling, for whoever you think I am, for anything that becomes a 'but', I like you and I don't need any reason or answer cause I'm in full control of my own feeling :)

12.04.2020

Hi, world...

It has been three weeks since we're not coming to the office. For these past three weeks, I don't even know what did I feel. For the first week, I think I can pass this through. Optimism, chance, and hope are still with me. In the second week, I started to feel bored, a bit hopeless because one by one updates are coming and more to come. I prepared myself for anything. The third week is the hardest. Everything is falling down. I don't even know who I can tell.

Now, uncertainty has become my friend. I would like to hold it close. Demotivation at its finest.
I'm trying not to sound depressed, but this is what it has been.
It has been a good fight, but I think the real one has not begun yet.
The journey is still a long long way to go.

I'm not alone, I know everyone is also struggling the same thing. This has been a very tough time for everyone. And we still don't know what tomorrow's coming...

April 1, 2020

A Self Reflection Post #6 : Dear Self, Here Are Things You Need to Know

So there will be this time, where I should hug myself, stand for myself, and just go through this phase alone. There will be a time where I should not care about my feelings anymore, there will be a time where I should not follow my emotions anymore.

When the universe is not helping you out, you should help yourself.
When there's nobody you can lean on, you should lean to yourself.
When there's nothing you can do anymore, I want you just stay at your place...
reflecting to the things that already happen in the past.

I want you to not losing your self while you are searching for somebody else...
I know you may be tired of being all alone, but remember that you should fix yourself before you find your other half.

I know that you are the kind of person that will be easily attached to someone.
But hang on, remember that someone is in your life to tell you something.
Sometimes,
Someone is only a lesson where you cannot hold them back,
Where you cannot ask them to stay...
Where you cannot make them to do what you really want.

Dear Self,
Please be standstill.
I still don't know where this will end, but please don't lose your faith.

Dear Self,
Please stay,
I know you lost, but be there for yourself.

---
Thurs, 30 January 2020

Dear No One

There's so much in my head that I would like to share

I have so many things in mind that I couldn't share to anyone,

I just want to keep it for you

Mmm, I also have so many plans to do, but you just haven't here yet.

There are so many things that I think it's weird if I tell anyone about it,

But I just want to share it with someone that will accept that weirdness.

I just want you to know that I like to do something silly and sometimes I'm ashamed about it.

but I hope you wouldn't be ashamed too :(

I also want you to know that, I'm pretty reckless. (especially if I'm nervous).

I'm easily distracted, and easily lost focus.

Dear no one,

I want you to find me and see me in my miserable place,

Please bear with me,

Thus, I will also try to accept you with all of your flaws.

Dear no one,

I want to tell you many things...

---

Jakarta, 22 January 2020

She

She is complicated.
Mostly she is a ray of sunshine,
cheering up for herself and others.

Oneday she is a gloomy sky,
hiding to the place the other wouldn't find.

That's her and herself.
She is hoping someone will see her,
not only when she is a ray of sunshine, but also she as who she really is.


-----
on my way to the office,
Jakarta, 21 January 2020.

It feels sooo good today,
There is much positivity and I'm in a good mood.

Let's keep it till the end of the day.

Blinded Flashlight

For a moment, a feel the most alive
I'm not afraid of what I feel, I just gonna get it through.
For a moment, I could forget what was yesterday and I'm brave enough to hope for tomorrow
I brought myself a mile further...

I forgot what pain is.
I knew how to enjoy the time I had, how to live in the present.
I'm no longer crying on my way home because I forgot every scar I had back then.

I'm no longer crying because...

I forgot to remind myself I should stop.

Until I realize it was too late and regret was the only thing left behind.
Until I realize I was falling again.

Until I realize I was making the same mistake.

Jan 8, 2020.