Scrawling

I woke up this morning and feel so strange.

A little bit funny to realize that it’s all about you again and that you are the only person that has been lingering on my mind for more than 3 or 4 years.

I’ve been denying the fact that you don’t even care or know about me,

Because we only had a chance to know each other in a very short time.

I haven’t got any chance to know you,

And I bet you don’t even think about who is me,

Who the hell will think that I’ve been thinking about you these past years?

It’s funny, right? I know, I even haven’t had a chance to have any good conversation with you. But those time when we were sharing our little time in the past, I’m still embracing it like it will live forever in my mind.

I know that you’ll never believe that you’re making me thinking about you this far.

Hahaha, I know it sounds crazy.

I’ve told you that you’ll hardly believe this.

Nonetheless, I just want to be honest, you’re the person that I always pray for in my nights.

I’ve been blind by your personality, and don’t even care that you will never notice this.

But this morning, only this morning (I hope that I can keep this consciousness longer), I realize that all these years I’ve been wasting my time to think about someone that will never know I have a feeling for him. I’m just one of the crazy girls hoping that you ever know my existence and someday you’ll know I’m here, waiting for you to notice that I’m here...

Ha! No, I’ve must have been crazy.

Just before I let this feeling go, I just want you to know that I’m grateful for what I feel. Every time you’re around in my mind, I try to change to be a better version of me.

Now it’s time for me to end all of this crazy things, I have to stop thinking about you, I have to stop wondering about the future ever again. I just want to stop it.

In the end, do I have to let you know?

Or, do I have to let those prayers just tell you the truth?

A wry smile left on my face...


Written on Saturday, November 17, 2018

Hujan Pertama di Jakarta

Hujan tak lagi sama seperti kemarin,
Dengan bau tanah yang menyenangkan dan suara yang menenangkan.
Merasakan rintik demi rintik mulai turun,
Namun jalanan semakin padat
Orang-orang berlari dan ingin mendahului
Di jalanan suara klakson saling bersautan.
"Mereka tidak suka hujan", pikirku.
Aku hanya diam menatap rintik yang semakin deras turun membasahi tanah Jakarta yang gersang,
Kemudian mengecap rasa pahit yang tiba-tiba datang merasuki
Sembari tersenyum kecut pada diri sendiri,
"Aku rindu rumah"
Hujan tak sama seperti disana,
Tidak ada kehangatan disini,
tak ada ketela goreng dan teh hangat buatan ibu.
Tak ada tidur siang dengan selimut dan lampu kerlap-kerlip di kamarku.
Tak ada rumah disini.
Sebagaimana aku hanya bisa meratapi kesepian ini.

Jakarta, November 16, 2018

Thinking & Questioning

When was the last time you totally laugh?
When was the last time you really cry?
When was the last time you really live at that moment?

You will never be there, my friend
Because you have lived for yesterday,
and you will live for tomorrow.

Time is limit, while we are forever.

-Jakarta, October 11, 2018

Sebuah Tulisan tentang Perpisahan dan Perjalanan

Semakin kita berjalan jauh, semakin kita tahu arti rumah yang sebenarnya. Aku melihat bagaimana orang-orang pergi dari sisiku. Melihat mereka berkembang dan memulai sesuatu yang baru. Melepaskan bukan hal yang mudah. Mengantar kepergian mereka di bandara, di stasiun, atau dimana saja tempat yang sarat dengan perpisahan. Ada rasa sedih terbesit, entah walau aku hanya melihat orang lain tapi rasanya suatu saat aku juga kan merasakan yang sama. Orang datang dan pergi, dan itu berjalan seperti yang seharusnya terjadi. Kehidupan memang dimulai sudah sejak roh kita ditiupkan ke raga, namun untuk mengerti kehidupan itu sendiri secara utuh membutuhkan perjalanan yang panjang.

Tulisan ini untuk mengingatkanku tentang refleksi dari sebuah perjalanan yang mungkin belum aku mulai, atau setidaknya akan aku mulai. Mungkin sekarang aku masih melihat dan mengamati orang-orang yang lebih dulu mengalami perjalanan mereka. Dan pada akhirnya, mungkin itu akan terjadi juga kepadaku. Entahlah, aku merasa aku akan berada diposisi ketika orang-orang tersayangku akan melepaskanku pergi. Tapi tidak menutup kemungkinan juga itu tidak akan terjadi, maksudnya aku hanya mengamati dan merefleksi tanpa benar-benar harus menghadapi perpisahan itu. Hanya saja aku yakin, semua orang pasti memiliki tujuan yang sama: membuat hidup mereka lebih baik dan menghadapi dunia yang sudah dipersiapkan untuk mereka.

Aku pernah melihat seseorang pergi dilepas teman-temannya. Disana ada pelukan hangat, doa tulus terpanjat, dan raut kesedihan karena perpisahan dengan teman karibnya. Disitu kadar ketulusan dan kebahagian seseorang akan menyeruak. Selama kita bersama-sama, kita tidak pernah membayangkan bagaimana jika pertemuan itu akan berakhir. Maksudku, kita tidak akan pernah tahu seberapa nilai orang-orang disekitar kita ketika kita masih bersama. Semuanya akan terlihat ketika kita akan berpisah. Hal ini karena kita menyadari satu hal: kita memiliki setelah kita merasa kehilangan. Kata-kata inilah yang selalu kuingat tentang pertemuan dan perpisahan. Dan situlah aku menyadari setiap orang pasti memiliki posisi tersendiri dihati orang lain. Setelahnya kita pasti merindukan masa dimana kita benar-benar tidak harus menghadapi sebuah perpisahan. Ketika kita masih berjalan bersama-sama dan memiliki banyak waktu untuk bercengkrama. Namun begitulah roda yang seharusnya akan terus berputar melewati jalanan menghadap kesebuah tujuan. Mereka melewati banyak hal, ada kalanya mereka berhenti tapi mereka akan terus berjalan kearah tujuan yang ingin mereka capai.

Dan pada akhirnya aku hanya bisa melihat dan tersenyum, menyadari apa yang telah aku pikirkan selama ini mungkin agak membuatku lega. Setidaknya aku percaya bahwa aku akan memiliki jalanku sendiri. Entah aku akan menjadi seperti mereka, atau hanya akan mengamati dan menemukan jalan lain yang memang harus ku tempuh. Lalu setidaknya aku telah belajar satu hal: untuk menghargai setiap waktu yang kumiliki dengan orang-orang yang aku kasihi dan belajar menjadi berguna bagi mereka. Aku tidak akan berjanji kepada siapapun bahwa aku akan terus ada, aku hanya berusaha untuk tidak melukai mereka selama mereka bersamaku. Aku hanya ingin membuat keberadaan masing-masing dari kita memiliki nilai tersendiri. Dan aku tidak akan berharap berlebihan kepada seseorang terhadap apapun itu. Air akan mengalir seperti seharusnya, perjalanan pun akan terus berlanjut sampai waktu yang telah ditentukan oleh kuasa Nya.

A Self-Reflection #5: Something that "Have Healed Me"

Been a while since my last post back in 2017 about marriage life, now I will start writing something interesting and worth to post. It is not so far from my personal experience and what I have been through in my college years. I wrote most of these sentences in my twitter account so it may look the same. It is written because I feel relief after meeting someone I have been known for years, and it became such a reconciliation. Last week, I am coincidentally having a conversation with this one after years of silence.

Back in 2015 when it all started, it became the point of the retreat in my life. After that moment, we don't even have a chance to talk freely like we used to. It has changed me, most importantly it has changed how I see life. We live in the misunderstanding we don't even know how to end it. And it lasts for at least 3 years at the moment. I believe that the time replaces the thing that cannot be described in the past. So here we are, facing each other like we used to, starting something we've been stopped doing for years. If I may say, the misunderstanding is not as thick as the mist. And we have silently stated that what has been left for us is only live in the past, we don't need any further explanation for that. It is ended before it is ended. It was just like the sun is finally raising from the unexpected place and unpredictable time. After the past 3 years, I am healed...

Unfortunately, it is not only between us, but it was something more. These past 3 years, I tend to think that it is one of my responsibilities to reconcile the two opposite sides where I may stand in the middle. We've become a family until something happened to us 3 years ago. We were then turned into strangers. I am trying to be honest that we are mistaken our relationship. It is just like an explosion where nothing can go back together ever again. It just sucked to know that everything has changed in a minute. It tore me apart. It swallows me to the depth of sorrow. I can't see any positive sides. I blame everybody, and myself. I am broken in my best place.

BUT, the more I think about this problem the more it stresses me out. But anytime in my life, I'd like to say Alhamdulillah for everything. I have my dearest friends who support me in my ups and downs. I would never know how I can pass it through without them. They taught me how to live separately without my previous circle of friends. They taught me that I have nothing to show them off. The one that should be proud of me is ME, and everyone that matters. I should achieve something in life because I should too, it is not because I want to show them that I can be better from them.

I began to learn not to blame anybody, not even myself. I learn how to achieve my own goals without saying that I want them to know. I shine in my own way. And most importantly, I learn to forgive myself for what happened in my life. I want to prove how this following quote: "TIME HEALS WHAT REASON CANNOT". I just want to know how it works for me. And the time has its answer. Time does not only heal, but it also replaces things with something better.

After all these years, I finally realized: sometimes some things cannot get done by yourself. I stop blaming myself as if I take all the responsibilities for what happened in the past. I realized that with or without me, it will happen the right way. I learned so many things from this experience. I choose to forgive, whether the two sides will reconcile or not, they decide... I can't force them to forgive each other, I can't tell them what to do because I don't have control over someone, but I have a control over myself.

So I choose to only focus on myself and how I see this problem from different point of view. I have learned so many things from this. And I guarantee that now I am a better person than yesterday and I am still growing every and each day. In the end, I am gaining positivity from both sides. I'll take only the good thing that grows me better. I just hope someday in the future, they can forgive each other and give a hug like brothers again.

Aamiin...