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2021 at a glance...

One
earlier this year, i was hyped becoming a new nctzen. i think that i reconcile myself little by little. but yes, kpop do help me healed faster from what happened last year...

Two
nothing much, i just back at taking selfies with makeup. getting into kpop world deeper and those selca day? that was not bad apparently...

Three
coming back to the office never been this good, meeting colleagues having the company dinner for the first time in a while...

Four
WHO TF EXPECTED THAT I WILL MEET YOU? I mean... why are you still being my number one heart stealer? you just make me realize that how hard i try, if it's not the way then that's not the answer :(
this month is quite colorful tho?
bestie came to jtown, 2nd time to the office during fasting month
having a bad interview with ‘that’ company, a person specifically…
going back to hometown with bestie, it’s just the two of us

Five
the eid month, first time in 2 years going back to purwodadi. it’s also my bestie wedding by the end of the month, and finally going back to jtown. it’s back to the office for the farewell and welcoming.

Six

again, not much. a daily life of an employee life living in kost with cats! on of the things that help me going through my day. i tried my luck to join a video live concert with SuperM this month :)

Seven

time to go back again to the hometown baby. i was hitting a jackpot by announced as of the winners for the virtual concert and fanmeet for SuperM :(

i got a haircut like wendy! that was the shortest after my elementary day i think?

Eight

mom's bday week + SuperM virtual concert. that was my first time, and being on the same screen with them, and marklee to be specific??? i just cannot forget the moment of a lifetime that day. this month i got my first album of SuperM and Red Velvet, also i started watercolor again.

Nine

i just don't have any idea how fast the night changes, it's september already. i met my high school crush in my friend's wedding, also got a time to enjoy holiday in jogja with bestie.

Ten!

participating in october art challenge, going on a family trip for the first time in a while, being excited using film and the photos are actually come out good. i met my high school besties in a while!

Eleven

i don't know but the 11th month seems so tough for me... one of my colleagues is being terminated due to the performance he had for the past 6 month. i've been offered to move to the sales team... and i said yes... i'm eating out a lot with my friends to cope up with my hard feelings as mentioned in the first sentence.

Twelve

it's been quite slow month at work, happy that i had time to spent to just enjoy and relax. watched spiderman 2 times, celebrated birthday in my own way... and just enjoy things i guess?

and... it has been months since these dentist appointment things... i finally wear braces by the end of these month 😬

actually i asked my mother many times, but seems like she won't give me permission until i went to the dentist and got the x-ray to know my tooth's condition. and it's worse than i thought... so i have a 'business' with 3 dentists, one of them is an oral surgeon... soo yeah, it's that bad

- by the way this post has been in my draft since november, so when i published it, it will show the date where the draft was first added 🙈

It's been rough lately...

I don't know why but this week has been mentally and physically drained. Although yes, I'm working from home, but it is what it is right? Yesterday is the peak moment when I was having my breakdown, like I can't hold it anymore...

The peak is coming after the lunch meeting and I just back at my task, then this customer came. I was wrong in the first place because I cannot control my emotion and I was breaking bad until this customer come and I was having a breakdown after the phone call ended.

So there's a background story when the day after I just heard that my teammate is resigning. It's not the actual resign in the usual term, but could be translated as terminated. I know that I don't have a good control when there's a sudden change in my surroundings, and this time it got me like... bugging? It's just so fast and I'm a little frightened actually. I also think that I need some help, so I planned to register for a consultation. Yet the moment I write this, I call it off. I think not yet, I'll get help if it's literally worsen and I can't help.

By opening this blog, I'm feeling better already. This is also my footprint so that I can look back in the future, to the things I've been going through...

So that's it? I just hope it's not getting worse. By NCT2021 announced, I feel better already. My boys are coming back 😊💚

I always thought that this is my safe place to do anything that I want and share the different sides of myself. But I come to a realization that it's not. It is my blog and I put it in my twitter bio, so yes, everybody can read it for free.

Today, I'd like to tell you about something.

So, I've talking about 'adulting' with my bestie. Just preparing things that could possibly happen in the future, and never did I thought this world isn't only me, my bestie, and people that I know. There are many many more beyond my expectation, and as a human in general, it sometimes shook me.

tbc...

Kita Hanya Lari

Sebetulnya kita hanya lari
Dari ketidaknyamanan yang membebaskan dari pikiran mengganggu,
dari tanggungjawab yang sebenarnya tidak pernah kita minta
dari rasa memiliki yang sudah menjadi bagian dari diri, dan
dari kenyamanan yang ingin kita capai sendiri tanpa intervensi.
Terkadang, ada juga ketakutan untuk menjadi nyaman sendiri
Tapi apakah sebetulnya kita takut akan penilaian orang lain?
Karena memang memiliki waktu sendiri itu hanya untuk lari
Memendam apa yang sebetulnya sudah menjadi jati diri
Menciptakan dunia yang bisa dikendalikan dan tidak diminta untuk melakukan sesuatu yang tidak kita inginkan...

Jakarta, 8 July 2021

Back at Writing Blog Post: Catching Up :)

It's a blog post again after months? Years?

This is my first post in 2021, and it's already June everyone!

Long short story, I got a new job in October 2020, and it has been 7-8 months since I started working as an Inside Sales. It's quite a roller coaster ride, I think? Hm not sure, but I am trying to survive.

Sooo many things has been passed by actually, I still don't know how to start but first of all I'm very very grateful that I'm healthy, physically and mentally. It's not easy to cope up with this crazy situation and it has been more than a year since it started. It truly is an experience of a lifetime. How I hit the rock bottom and tried to get up on my own. How I literally swallowing into my own sadness, how I officially started my K-pop journey (hmm actually I've already following K-pop since then, but just started stanning a group last year), how I setting goals for my own self, and how I finally realized that life is not a question mark.

Why life is not a question mark?

You are not living your life to fulfill your own desire and curiosity. Life is more than just questioning and searching every thing that happen along the way. Just imagine how tiring it will be if you just say "how" and "why", I've been there... Like why is it me, why always me, how is it possible, how is it happen to me. The point is I never get the answer of every thing I ever questioned. 

Believe me, being a self centric is not healthy, and I'm not happy. I always think first rather than just live in the moment and enjoy it. But, one lesson that I really should take the note on is, when I think myself or my life is at its best, is the moment when I should be prepared something will happen, suddenly and drastically. No that I insecure everytime, but it's more like to become aware that comfortable is a trap.

I feel like I should write a long ass blog post to this, but seems like the writer block always struck me hard. At least back at writing is gooddd. My thing after painting hehe.

And, I'm still thinking to record a podcast... So that I can talk freely in a structural form. I hope that my first podcast will really be released this month haha.

See you later self!

Jakarta, 4 June 2021

10.14 PM