The Point of Retreat

This day, a week ago, something we have been prepared is finally coming. Honestly, if something happen I don’t know what should I do. Last week has been the longest week, the most exhausting week, but we have to cope up with the situation. Everyone I called before messaged me, as I knew everything, as if they weren’t prepared for this.

I need to get anything done within 3 days, handover, drafting emails. It’s not easy, for everyone. Even the one who have the best preparation.

The hardest part is not saying goodbye, but letting it go...
It’s just the matter of time.

Untitled

I'm hardly falling into someone until I write something about that person, so here it is...

Dear someone,

I've been thinking about you this whole time. I thought I can make up my mind to not fall into you and I can only see you as a friend. I've been writing anything about how I feel this whole time, hoping that I can get over this feeling and I can forget you. But the more I try, the more it becomes hard.

I am hating myself.
I am trying to deny my own feelings back then.
I am feeling bad for falling into someone I thought I couldn't reach.
I am hating this feeling because I feel like I need to compete,
I hate myself more when I found myself being too competitive.
I wanna win, but the truth is, I just get another loss.

Thus, I'm trying hard to deny my own feelings that I didn't like you. I hate being too competitive with that other girl because I know I'll never be the one from the first place :)
Okay, I tried my best to remind myself that we can never be more than a friend.

So here I am, trying to embrace my own feelings. I thought that it is all wrong, knowing that someone you like wouldn't like you back. No, I'm not gonna do that anymore.
The truth is, I like you, and I'm fully controlling my own feeling.
I'll stop when I'd like to stop.
Repeat, I'll stop when I'd like to stop.
But, in the meantime, in the process to get over it, I admit that like you and thinking about you every single day. You know what, I even got our photo hanging on the wall.

I like you but maybe tomorrow won't be.
I just don't know, when I'll stop.
Last but not least, for anything you are feeling, for whoever you think I am, for anything that becomes a 'but', I like you and I don't need any reason or answer cause I'm in full control of my own feeling :)

12.04.2020

Hi, world...

It has been three weeks since we're not coming to the office. For these past three weeks, I don't even know what did I feel. For the first week, I think I can pass this through. Optimism, chance, and hope are still with me. In the second week, I started to feel bored, a bit hopeless because one by one updates are coming and more to come. I prepared myself for anything. The third week is the hardest. Everything is falling down. I don't even know who I can tell.

Now, uncertainty has become my friend. I would like to hold it close. Demotivation at its finest.
I'm trying not to sound depressed, but this is what it has been.
It has been a good fight, but I think the real one has not begun yet.
The journey is still a long long way to go.

I'm not alone, I know everyone is also struggling the same thing. This has been a very tough time for everyone. And we still don't know what tomorrow's coming...

April 1, 2020