for you, the world, and everything in between

I thought I could stay a little longer,
I bet it's my turn to bid a proper farewell.

been a week,

how's life?

still get going huh?

good.

it feels like all hell broke loose last week.

but,

I'm okay.

to the world that seems so blurry today,

i once again lost.

to the person i am today,

sometimes, i don't recognize you anymore.

but you're still part of me that i didn't know exist.

to the person i've been thinking of lately,

i think, you're the easiest person for me to let go of.

just like what i've been thinking, i'm on the two sides of the same coin.

i feel so invincible that the other side it's just me,

being so vulnerable and don't want to be seen.

cause i don't think, there's a person who can handle me.

and i believe, at this point, you lost me.

Dear God,

i believe you prepare me for something big next year is it?

i know something greater has been there.

it's so great that this year has been so so extra right?

untuk semua yang disemogakan,

untuk semua yang diusahakan.

pada akhirnya,

masih sabar yang harus ditelan.

A Self-Reflection Post: New Chapter

 

and that's it.

i do feel sometimes, i don't deserve my people.

but you know what? i keep on being grateful for who they are,

for staying with me. see all my colors and shape, accept my flaws.

i keep my circle small, but doesn't mean i don't have friends.

i love my work mate, i love the healthy boundaries.

i love my friends after all.

wouldn't it be too cliche if i also say that i'm not feeling lonely?

I DO TOO.

that feels hit me hard, but that's it. it's just life.

we do have our own life. even my best bestfriend.

they do have life and cannot be here all the time.

in the end, we only have ourselves indeed.

i'm grateful that i made a good choice earlier this year.

that phase helps me a lot to manage my own sanity.

that phase, helping me a lot to really regulate my emotions.

even though it has been a roller coaster ride these past months,

because i must admit i'm craving for being loved my the opposite gender...

it's been quite a ride.

dear self,

thank you, you've been doing really really well lately.

mon, 18 sep 2023

two worlds in between

my life has never been a though storm.

it was indeed once, when i was a teenager.

but, up until now, that one scar got me trauma.

my inner child still want a healing,

and it's processing...

i used to beg people to stay,

i used to blame myself for the one that got away.

i never once, see myself as the one that's worthy of effort and love.

table has turned, i'm no longer the person i used to be.

i don't want people who don't want me.

once people push me away,

once people want to leave,

i will never,

ever

ask those person to comeback.

i also want people who want me,

not people who just want me because they want to fulfill the emptiness.

i also want people to see me precious,

karena waktuku terlalu berharga, hanya untuk menyembuhkan luka yang ditimbulkan orang lama.

To be more grateful

these past months feels surreal and weird for me. started in Feb when all those nightmares are suddenly haunted me after years, i decided to finally asked for a pro help.

after that, it’s a life changing journey when everything happen unexpectedly and there’s a lot of ‘first times’ hahaha. me myself is sometime also questioning my own decision to do some new things.
BUT knowing that someone is cheering for me, even those are only sympathy or empathy, i feel grateful. (you know who you are)

one thing that i learn and currently perceive: i want to celebrate and cherish more the people around me, even tho that we may have a different pathway in the future, let’s focus on the ‘now’ and say thank you for staying with me. be filled with more gratitude and everything comes at ease.

so happiness now is equal to grace, gratitude and
someone reminded me these words:
happiness is meaningful when shared,

it’s not just a word dear darling.
it’s real when you really walk the talk.

7 April 2023

6.17 AM

the problem is

The problem is, I already invested so much in this
But I know I’m committed to nothing
And I once again gonna be the one that get hurt
But, I just want to process all these feelings and accept that what I’ve decided there will always be consequences

Good or bad, high or low,
Was never something that can be taken for granted
Because I’ll always be grateful for everything that comes into my life

It might come first as a blessing, then it will be a learning

I was known for denying all of those signals
But here I’m…
Trying to accept all the feelings that has been there and all the consequences that I need to face

Hang in there,
Hang in there.
It was once again, hurts
Like heaven.

"how do you feel"

if someone ever ask me that questions, i might need to take a deep breath before really saying any word

because really, if you ask me what i'm feeling lately it's so much that i can't even say a thing

but,

if you ask me, how do you feel about you

i might say that i'm happy that i met someone like you

i'm grateful for everyone in my life right now

i just want to cherish them and tell them thank you for coming into my life

little did you know, that you bring joy into my day

but,

"how do you feel, really"

i'm a mess, a train wreck

i sometimes not feel good about myself

i'm still learning about everything...

even to accept me

--

"do you know why I like to talk to myself?"

"... mmm, no".

"I'm me talking to myself, so that I can understand more on what I want, I feel, I perceive".

---

"why I need somebody to tell me that I'm doing great?"

"because you want an affirmation and reassurance?"

"because I can't do it myself"

"why then? you can..."

"I'm just not there yet to do it myself?"

"then actually you can".

"why can just somebody agree?"

"I'm not disagreeing, but I just want you to believe in yourself"

"okay? but what if I needed the most?"

"then that's why you need to do it yourself before anyone else"

"o...okay..."

"just be quiet"

"i didn't say anything"

"i know you're going to deny"

"mmm... no"

"that's even an agreement of the statement"

"..."

"nice"

where's the hugs? oh "I'm me talking to myself..."

let me hug myself.

tue 21 mar 5.15 pm

i thought coffee makes me feel better,

seems like it makes me more paralyzed.

i was high caffeinated these days,

my sleep schedule was a little off since that day.

my mood drastically changes till i think,

am i crazy?

but i can keep calm, or jeopardize on the other side.

what was this,

i was saying i am so freaking tired.

like tired.

Thank you for wishing me happiness,

that means a lot…

I don’t know why but I just can’t remember where was the last time someone told me to be happy.

Even those birthdays wishes, sometimes it’s just a package of wishes.

By the way, besides those lines, and one of the reasons why I remember those lines…

I just want to put it here that I’m having my episodes last night.

I was so careless and stupid to trigger on my own,

The last time I had it was in 2019, I thought I’m already healed but the truth is… I haven’t.

I still need time to mend this trauma inside me, and no one knows I’m suffering… on my own.

I never shared it to anyone, that this part of me was broken.

That this part of me might become something that is too big to let it go…

That this part of me is still hurting myself…

That this part of me is my biggest scar.

That this part of me isn’t finished yet.

I need to start learning to deal with it from the scratch,

It has become a hole inside me this whole time.

I hope, that I can get through it this me.

I can,

Get through it this time.

I am,

Not gonna run this time.

I am,

Here for myself.

11/12-02-2023

How does it feels like

Empty.

for the first time, I don’t know for how long,

I feel a sudden hole appear deep inside my soul.

How does it feels like?

just empty,

realizing there’s something that cannot be described is there, inside myself

have that filled by the presence of emptiness

hi you,

did you know my coffee's getting stronger rather than a sweet one with too much milk on it?

i can go with the medium one with no sugar or even sweetener,

cause you got all the sweet with you baby