late mid year notes

halfway through 2024,

I honestly pretty amazed on how this rough waves has passed by

It's not easy, at all.

To summarize:

January was ground zero, literally all hell broke loose.

February was grief, Bali was an unforgettable healing place, money return but driving recklessly shouldn't be a choice, but life is just life.

March, was when the decision made. A new journey has started with some kind of optimism.

April, was quite questionable. It's still me against myself, my feeling, my problems. Again, it's just life after all.

May, was rough rough. I didn't know that I'm an explosion.

June, was so so but things isn't quite well in work.

July should be better, but if this was a mistake, I don't know why I fall to the ground for the nth times.

Now that everything was still blur, I just feel that my life has been wasted many times.

Everything wasn't in place, it didn't feel any better.

It still feels like a hell and I don't know how to collect the broken pieces.

In my miserable places,

once again.

Fri 12 Jul 11.59 PM

--

Dear my future partner,

Life was never easy back then, right?

You have been through so much in life. You've been bear your burden alone, endure your pain in silence, now that you have me to shares your life with, I want you to believe that it will be okay...

Thank you for opening the door for me to see and welcome you with my open hands.

I'm sorry that you might find me late, but we will finally be tying a knot.

Tomorrow is not the final chapter, tomorrow is the place where we just opening the new door together.

I feel sorry that the road you have been taken was very tough and lonely, but the day we met, I was the one who finally come to your life as your woman, the one who will put you first.

I can't promise that everything will be at ease, but together, I hope that we can face it stronger.

to be each other's strength, to be each other's helping hand, to be each other's peace, and

to be each other's home...

I will be someone to accompany your darkest and lonely night...

I also want you to be there in my silent crying night, and give me the warmest hug.

Live after marriage will not be as easy as it seems, but together I hope that it's not as scary as what you've seen. Marriage is about two souls become one in the name of Allah and build the beautiful way that will lead us two and our family to Jannah. One thing that I’d like to tell you, please always put Allah first in everything you’ll go through. InsyaAllah, it will always be beautiful till the end.

Just promise me you will feel enough, and I'll stand by you.

Forever.

From the one waiting for you to come home, always.

Wed 17 Apr, 2024

have you ever stumbled upon a feeling that's repetitive?

i mean,

sometimes it just struck you hard like a truck.

it doesn't even feel heavy,

it's just...

empty.

life was so okay before you,

and life will be okay after you.

even though I should’ve passed through the silent crying nights,

of thinking over and over again,

did I said it true?

did I do the right thing?

needing the one that won’t ever tell things otherwise,

is the silent hell I was going through.

one thing that struck me hard,

as much as I think about it,

the other person won’t even bother to think about me.

when I start thinking about it again,

I just remember,

it’s my own feeling and it’s not reciprocated.

and this should be enough,

for me to move forward with the process of letting go.

the door stays,

but it won’t be open anymore.

you can knock,

but I won’t promise you’ll see me behind the door.

cause surely,

I’ll be moving on and it’s too late.

sometimes, I feel sorry

that you’re the easiest thing I can let go of when my world is shattered

Fri 26, Jan ‘24

Day 1 of cutting out all the comms.